Puppy's Got Issues

My parents have a new puppy (as opposed to an old one?). She has issues.

First off, she still does not yet have a name. The other day I was watching the wonderful movie, The Namesake, when one of the characters, Ashima, explained to an American that in India, sometimes the children are five years old before they receive a name.

But, we're in America and my parents have a nameless dog (actually, Ashima would be cool). A nameless dog that is terrified of it's own shadow and can't stop pooping in the house. The other day they took Nameless Dog to a local natural area for a walk. She pooped IN THE VAN on the way there, then in the house once they got back. Nice.

I’d like to say here that the patience my parents are exuding impresses me to no end. I might possibly have committed puppy homicide by now.

When they went to the vet for a check-up (or de-worming, I don't remember) even the vet was at a loss, advising my parents to find themselves an animal behaviorist or dog whisperer.

I gave my parents the name of a dog whisperer I'd photographed years ago. Paul is an interesting fellow who has worked with countless pups to help them with their issues.

They gave him a call and received an over-the-phone consultation. Although Nameless Dog seems like a different dog at night, coming out and romping and playing, tossing toys and acting oh-so-cute, she spends most of her time in her open-doored crate cowering away from visitors and any breezes or bugs that may pass by threatening to kill her. Paul told my parents that Nameless Dog has been moved from place to place so much that her crate is her home. It is the one constant, he told them. So to her, she IS going outside her home to poop, even though she's still inside the human home.

I talked with Dad last night who said that he and Mom have decided to hire Paul, who will be advising them over the phone. Dad told me about their first session. Paul led Dad through various poking and prodding tests with Nameless Dog. Should the dog fail these tests, it would mean she has the Been Inbred By Some Dog Factory Syndrome and will unfortunately need to be put down because it's far too screwed-up to be able to grow/be trained out of her abnormally ginormous fear. She passed the test which is great cause no one wants to hand their cute puppy over the glue factory, even if she is shitting all over the house.

Next comes my favorite part, (and oh, how I wish I could be a fly on the wall while this process is happening), Mom and Dad are to take a very very clean dishtowel and cut it into four equal pieces. The pieces represent the four rooms in which Nameless Dog is allowed to go (which cracks me up considering my parents live in a 17 room queen victorian). My parents are to rub the pieces to their necks to put their scent on it and put the pieces in a plastic bag.

Then, they take one piece and touch it to the dog, rubbing her nose and maybe asking her to "blow".

Then, they mail it to him.

It's so good I can't stand it.