making it three days with no tears. It really can be a simple thing to set us off or let us down. I appreciate modern technology, but the web is not very helpful in preventing us from knowing what others are doing or not doing. It essentially makes it nearly impossible for us to mind our own business, which is tough when it's in your own best interest to do just that.
I was talking with Suzanne when I first arrived here in Ohio about how I don't really see much in my future. It's a strange feeling - a realization that love might not actually work-out for me. That I will not have children of my own. And my career? It has to go somewhere because it's not like I'm going to give up, but I don't know when I will ever be able to afford to live my own independent life again.
I try to remind myself that this is how I feel now, but much like when you are feeling angry or sad or depressed, it's hard to remember that those feelings will pass. Plus, I have had these thoughts for a while. Perhaps this tunnel is longer than most and seeing the light at the end of it may take more time.
A friend of mine told me I should be angry about my recent relationship ending because it was lack of action that resulted in me missing out on something that could have been great. Something long term. It's one way to look at it I guess (although simplified) and I know it's easier to be angry than sad, but I'm not angry. I mean, I am, but not so much that is squashes the other feelings or makes it easier.
When Maya gets upset she tells Suzanne, "I just have to get my cries out!" And then she goes and she cries and it's done. An important lesson actually. You can't get rid of the bad feeling unless you feel it first.
I don't want to expend my energy on anger any more than I want to expend it on sadness. Of course now that I'm writing this, I'm disgruntled. Well, standing at the corner of Bleak Road and Pissed-Off Street at the very least.
My next entry is bound to be better.
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