Watercolor

Block printing, guitar lessons, silver smithing, pottery on a wheel, rowing. These are some of the classes I have taken in my adult life. They were things I wanted to learn, but also, they were things to pass the time until I had company. I enjoyed these classes but their purpose made me feel a bit lonely.

Whenever I entered these classes, I wondered what I'd get out of them. I didn't want piles of "things" from these classes that would just sit around my house. Aside from the pottery (are you in need of some heavy-bottomed, somewhat ugly bowls?), I managed to get rid of all the results of the classes (which reminds me that I should sell that stupid guitar). But I would often choose classes for what I would "end up with". Is this class going to result in something useful?

Now that I am again without company beyond my friends and family, I'm finding a shift in my thinking. This change in my thinking is also effected by me turning 40 I think.

I was out to dinner with high school friends weeks ago. All of us, save one, 40 years old now. Megan said "I don't mind being 40, really"
"Why?" we asked her.
"Because..." she paused, then shot both hands up, flipping the bird to no one in particular, "fuck everyone!"

And that's about it. That's the truth. I don't really give a shit anymore. And it's freeing.

I am also closer to accepting that I am not destined for the life I had crossed my fingers for though I am grateful every day for the one I have, and that I may very well be the friend everyone has - the one who strives to live a nice life, but wants someone to be with and can never really get it to work. I'm the one who, at the end of her life, people will say "look at all the things she did with her life...but oh, how sad that she was alone!"

Yeah, I'm that friend. I am also extremely annoyed at the fact that I cannot seem to just be content with hanging out alone. I'm good at it. I've mastered it. I do fine. But I don't prefer it, (though I'm getting closer to that). Being with just me would be so much easier if I could prefer just being with me. I am also aware that of all the problems one could have to deal with, mine is trite.

And also, I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die of cancer. But I digress.

The point is that in thinking back on my life I remember a time when I was a kid and spent hours alone in my room painting. I don't remember judging my work, or wondering who I should give it to and if it was even good enough to give as a gift. I just remember getting totally lost in the painting project itself and being totally happy and comfy in that space. That's what I am hoping for now.

I will be going to my first watercolor painting class tonight in Cambridge. I'm really excited about it. Excited to not judge myself if it sucks. Excited to get lost in it. Excited to paint in a medium I don't recall touching since childhood. High school at the latest. I'm excited to do something that may not feel like I'm passing the time for nothing to come but rather, enjoying the time as I'm doing whatever I'm doing.