Oh Captain My Captain

I must have been in need of a good cry. Bottling up stresses and disappointments because of a lack of way to release them, I lost my control when Amanda texted me "Robin Williams is dead".

I truly don't remember the last time I felt my gut drop, but it did tonight. News sources say he committed suicide after a recent bout with depression. Ironically, I have been bad about taking my own meds recently (simply from distraction) and I am now wondering if it's part of the reason why this hit me so hard. The death of a stranger.

I cried. And then I cried some more, all the while thinking how weird it was that I was crying for someone I'd never met. Then Facebook blew up with thoughts and condolences "I don't believe it"s and reposting of news stories about it.

Then the pictures started and I'd remember one other way he'd contributed to his field;

Genie hugging Aladdin.

Waterworks.

A Vietnamese baby reaching out and touching Williams' face during the filming of Good Morning Vietnam.

Waterworks.

A clip of Williams doing various impressions.

Waterworks.

I feel fine, and then I look at FB again and I am reminded.

Williams standing on school desks "Oh Captain, My Captain". How ironic that the boy his character so desperately wanted to protect killed himself.

Life imitating art.

Amanda texts me that we have to have a GWH (Good Will Hunting) viewing soon. Yes, we do.

Depression. I have mixed feelings about suicide, in truth. Williams was married and had a 25 year old daughter. He left them anyway. He had been clean and sober since the '80s. He left anyway. Who knows what demons get to a person. I just can't fathom life getting so bad that you can't stop yourself from thinking there's no other way. Some other way. Any other way than the one you're about to choose.

And then other times, when I am feeling at my lowest, I get it, despite the fact that I know it is something I would never ever do. Ever.

I think about Susan and how she fought and fought to the end. And I am annoyed that another person, healthy, would voluntarily go. Someone who has family to think about. Someone who has contributed to the world and who could still do so.

Right now the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is taking over the social networking sites. Someone with ALS has little choice but to watch their body fall apart while their brain remains the same. But, suicide is a choice.

And then I remember, that even though I have my bouts with sadness, some people have deep, sad holes that they fall into with no way of getting out. To them, it appears there is no way out. Even though I struggle to believe it myself (which is amazingly odd), depression is a disease that needs treatment just as I need my insulin.

We humans are some complicated things aren't we?

I will leave you with someone far less complicated. Someone who finds joy in the end of a carrot!

Ends if carrots are the funnest! 8/9/14 from C.M. Scott on Vimeo.