Wednesday, August 20, 2014

All We Can Do Now...

"All we can do now is face what's coming next"

It's a line from A.R.T's Finding Neverland which I went to see tonight with Amanda thanks to the urging of Mom who saw it a few weeks ago.  It was phenomenal. So exciting too, to find that Mia Michaels did the choreography. Michaels was a choreographer for So You Think You Can Dance and I love her work. Tonight it was really great, and Amanda pointed out how different the moves were. Contemporary. I'd be shocked if she wasn't nominated for something for her work.
Also in the show was Melanie, who was the winner of SYTYCD a few seasons ago.

"All we can do now is face what's coming next"

Isn't that the truth. Today, I went back to the fertility doctor. After the news I got a few months ago about my crap odds of success with egg freezing, I wanted to meet with him to make sure I understood the numbers, and discussed exactly what they meant and if there was anywhere to go from here.

There is absolutely nowhere to go from here. Today what I learned in person was worse than what I thought when I heard a few numbers read to me over the phone a while back. My AMH number is .29, "troubling" according to the doctor.  The number should be above 2, and below 1 is a sign of low fertility. FSH is 15.5 which shows "significant decline in fertility".

So, breaking it down, he told me that even for a 38 year old, my numbers are bleak. If I went through with the procedure, I would maybe get three or four eggs, each of which has about a 3% chance of "taking". Meaning, a 3% of even becoming an embryo when given the chance.

I would need to go through the egg harvesting procedure (ten days of hormones, a medical procedure to extract the eggs, uncomfortable recovery and $8000 bill each time) three times for a 25% chance of success.

Diet does nothing to change these numbers, acupuncture does nothing to change this. It's all genetics. How many eggs you have and how long they last is genetic. At the moment I am tired and thinking about my nice evening out with my friend and the wonderful show we just watched, but still, my heart hurts a bit, I admit. I knew my odds were not good, but to think of all those years of cycles. All those annoying cramps. Useless.

To think I thought that being diabetic was my fair shake. OK, I'll take that. A genetic predisposition is required to become a diabetic, so it's in there somewhere. Genetics have struck again with regard to this, and it seems like more than my share really.

Every friend needs to have another friend who can't have kids. That person they are thankful they aren't as they tuck their kid in at night. I guess that's me.

To think, if I'd known to freeze my eggs five years ago, I wouldn't be in this situation. Four or five measly years. Maybe even three.

The other day I went sailing with Ben. As we waited to have access to the boat, we sat in a park and chatted. A woman in the parking was breast feeding her baby, and Ben asked, sort of in awe,  "Do you find it strange that your body is capable of making a human?"
Without thinking, I responded, "No I just find it strange that I won't get a chance to try it."

As we breezed around in the boat, I kept looking at my feet and my toes. My toes curl like my Mom's, I've always loved my hands and my feet because they are carbon copies of my Mom's. I thought I'd get a chance to see if I could pass it on. I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that I won't get to see who I could make. Who I could have brought into the world. How strange to sort of mourn someone I've never met and will never meet. I think they would have been a cool kid.

Today was sort of like being punched in the stomach a second time. I will find myself wondering where I turned left when I should have turned right. My heart hurts. I will adjust to this new reality like I did before. And it will be fine.
I am alive, and I here, It's just that at the moment I'm no fan of Mother Nature.

All I can do now is face what's coming next.





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