No-Filter Date

Last night I had an epically...something...date. I’m not really sure how to describe it. To protect the innoscent (who would never see this anyway) I'll call him NFD for No-Filter Date. 

NFD messaged me on OKCupid Friday night. We messaged back and forth a bit and he asked me out. So last night I met him at a bar in Union Sq. As I parked my car, he texted me that he was the one in the black baseball cap. Great. Starting off super. I spent my entire life hearing my dad mumble under his breath “Take off your hat, you idiot” whenever we were inside a public place and he spotted an offender. It is engrained in me and rightfully so, that it's rude to wear a cap inside.

I took one look at him at the bar and knew there was a distinct possibility that he wasn’t very bright. I don’t know why I sensed this. I just did. Could have been the hat, could have been the fact that he was chewing gum (and continued to the whole date). He was talkative and friendly, telling lots of stories about his life, dropping the F-bomb every other word. He used ignorant words like “retarded” more than once and it left me wondering if he’d been trapped under a rock since 1991 only to have just been let out from under it and not be told what words were simply not used anymore. 

When he learned I work at BU, he told me he was thinking it would be cool to write a book inspired by all the strange deaths that have happened at BU over the past five years or so. "They would all look like accidents and totally unrelated, but it would actually be a serial killer"

I looked at him.

"Why are you looking at me funny?

"I'm trying to decide if it's a shitty idea" I confessed.

"Well, it is a shitty idea but people like books!"

Telling me about his crappy landlord, he first asked me “Are you jewish?” before telling me that his landlord was a cheap jew who charged him for a parking space.

Am I not supposed to be offended by that comment because I’m not jewish? I said nothing both because I don’t like to create conflict, especially with someone I don’t know and will likely never see again, but also because I just couldn’t fathom that he’d just said it.

I spent a lot of this date with my eyes bugging out of my head and my mouth agape (all in my head of course. I'm pretty sure I didn't do that in reality).

The odd thing was that none of his stupidity was mean-spirited. The gum chewing and the hat wearing and the f-bomb dropping and “retard” references didn’t feel like things he did because he didn’t care. On the contrary, he actually seemed like a fairly thoughtful guy. He just didn’t seem to know better.

I found this fact totally mind-boggling; He went to college (and a decent one at that), has a career in IT, although if he did it all over again he would go into finance because "those guys just sit around all day and don't do shit and they're rolling in it!"  The guy’s not a truck driver with a third grade education, after all (what was that about stereotyping being ignorant, Cydney?). He apparently functions in the world around other humans.

His ridiculousness and total inability to filter had me laughing on many occasions, like when he slid the menu over to me on the bar so I could better see it (thoughtful!) and announced “Watch your boob, I don’t want to poke you”.

I started to tell some story in which the phrase “period of time” (or something similar) was used and he interrupted “You having your period? You have a heavy flow?” It was blunt and crass, but also simply really funny. And random. As I stared at him in shock he pointed out that he has two sisters.

The balls this guy has (which were sweaty apparently, after he made the mistake of walking all the way to Sears earlier in the day to get a car part and then had to walk all the way back home with the “fucking 50 pound jack” in a duffle bag)! 

He said at one point “I’m doing all the talking, why aren’t you talking?”

Well, because I’m completely at a loss for what to say to you and am struggling to find common ground, “What do you want to know?”

“Nothing” he responded, sort of in jest. And then later, “You wrote on your profile that you don’t seem very approachable. I don’t think that’s true. You seem approachable”

“If I was just sitting at the bar you probably wouldn’t come talk to me”

“I might. You don’t know me!”

“That’s true. I don’t know you”

We talked about the new Wegmans that opened in Burlington and knowing that I hiked the fells he said “We should do a day trip! We could hike the fells and then go wander around Wegmans. We wouldn’t even have to buy anything!”

Somehow I think a day trip to Wegmans might actually be fun with this person.

When I mentioned I don’t watch sports, he asked “You don’t watch sports?” as if he had never in his life heard of a human being not being a sports watcher. What planet are you from anyway?! You don’t watch sports? That’s just what people do! Are you not human?

We ordered some appetizers, including artichoke dip with potato chips, which I noted was very weird (but not so weird that I wouldn’t eat them because who doesn’t love potato chips? Unpatriotic people, that’s who), and when he made a mini-sandwich out of dip and potato chips, he insisted I take it from him (not eat from his hands, mind you, I hate that shit, he was just insistent that he was offering me this lovely gift and how could I refuse?!).

A few seats down there was a couple canoodling. He looked at them, then back at me. “What?” I said to him.

“I was gonna ask you if you have a condom so I could slide one down to him”

I burst out laughing and he continued “You don’t have a condom?” he was incredulous, “Do I have to do everything!?”

There’s nothing that this guy won’t just come right out and say! And it was actually kind of refreshing.

We split the check and after he returned from the restroom he said “You seem annoyed”.

I thought this was interesting, not only that he would make this observation but that he would also say something about it. I wasn’t annoyed, but my mood had definitely shifted. One thing that has always been the case with me is that when I’m done being somewhere, I’m ready to go and I’m mentally out the door already. That’s what he was seeing.

I assured him that I wasn’t annoyed at all and he walked me to my car, “You could give me a ride, it’s on your way home”  
I told him I could give him a ride, sure. He was wacky but earnest and completely non-threatening to me, despite his 6’2” frame. Would that be weird for me to give him a ride? he asked. No.

He made some hispanic comment about my silly spoiler on the back of my civic (“I thought you would either drive a honda or a subaru” he told me earlier in the date when I told him I drive a Honda. He was very proud for making his accurate prediction).

I drove him literally one block. “This is where you live? You couldn’t walk this?” I said, pulling up in front of his place.

“I could walk it, sure, but you offered.” then he looked at me, “It was really nice meeting you!”

“It was nice meeting you too!” I told him

“So we should get together again sometime?” he asked.

I wasn’t and still am not so sure, but he is entertaining, “Sure!” I said, because I never know how not to say "sure!" when guys ask this question.

“Why do you look so nervous? I’m not going to stick my garlic tongue down your throat” he said, “I am going to kiss you though”

And then he did. Just came right in like it was totally normal and gave me two very nice, very innocent pecks. And then he was gone.

It was one of those How did I get here? dates. But at least it was entertaining.