Puddle

This weekend was great. I spent it with a bunch of my favorite people on the cape and I couldn't have had a better time. I knew that when it ended, I would feel sad. A weekend of little hands hold mine and arms wrapped around my neck and little voices asking to be picked-up and fun stories and so on. There were seven kids ranging in ages 2 to 8 there and I knew it would catch up with me when the weekend came to a close. And of course, it did. I felt really really sad. Sad that the summer is over, sad that my friends and I were no longer enjoying the bubble of cape cod, sad that I will never look into a kids' eyes and see a trace of myself or the Scott line, sad that I struggle to find a good man, let alone an exceptional one who will take me with my short-comings and accept from the get-go that adoption is the only way if he's with me (or surrogacy).

As if I didn't feel that the odds were against me enough.

Meg texted me when she and her family, including 7 year old Stella, arrived home to Great Barrington after our weekend together, "Stella cried for a half hour".
"Tell her I did too" I replied.

Stella selfie!

I wonder how long it will be sad for me that I will never have kids of my own. I wonder when it will be that I will feel OK with this reality. When will I not feel like a broken woman. It dawns on me that I may never feel unbroken or OK with this situation. I feel it every single day. This puddle in my heart. Sometimes I can just ignore it, but other times, it bubbles up and drowns me a bit, leaving me wondering what I'm truly doing on this planet except taking up space and whining.

I find this reality unbelievable. I have lived my life with caution. I have thought through all my decisions. Deciding not to drink too much, deciding to never try drugs. Choosing my boyfriends carefully (a lot of good that did) and my friendships too. I work hard and am careful with my money. I take responsibility for my actions, try to be kind to the people in my life and kind to those who are not in my life. I try to be a good friend and I think I'm good at it. I was diagnosed with a disease and took it in stride and continue to live with it to the best of my ability, complaint-free.Life is a learning experience, and I try to learn and grow form it.

I am grateful for what I have. I have a lot. And I am grateful for all of it. I do find myself wondering though if it's because of all the wonderful things I can be grateful for that I have been robbed of things I hoped for most. Love. A family of my own. Is the universe letting me know that I have enough to be grateful for and I should just accept what I have?

I don't want to believe that receiving things I never asked for removes me from things I've always dreamed of.

Well, Universe, I am humbled. So what's your lesson? Because this time I'm not really learning it.

Ben and Vivian take on Martha's Vineyard

Vivian, Lauren, Aaron, Sylvia, Meg and Miles shuttling to the ferry

Twin, Aaron, Miles, Noah and Amanda check out the hermit crabs