Susan,
Today you were buried in your family's plot. I drove with Christopher while Mom and Dad drove in another car with your Mom. As we approached the area, Christopher stated "So, this is what it's like to be in Connecticut."
"I think we're in New York." I corrected him.
"So, this is what it's like to be in New York." he delivered with perfect comedic timing.
It was kind of hilarious. I think you would have laughed.
It was crazy cold outside, but the sky was super blue. As we approached your plot, your coffin was brought from the back of the hearse. While I do not want you in that box, it was such a beautiful one. I was actually struck by it. No metal, I was told, and all pine, down to it's screws even. There was a wood Star of David on top. How perfect was it that you are the first Jew to be buried there. Always original!
I stood alone. Perhaps it was selfish of me to not stand near others to offer a shoulder to lean on. Maybe I wanted to be alone because you were alone. I simply wanted to be able to see your box, and think of you and only you. I wanted all my energy on you. That's all.
I stood a pace away from others and let my feelings and thoughts go where they may. I bowed my head and watched a tear leave me and splash onto a rock near my foot. I walked over with everyone else and placed a flower on your coffin, and a handful of soil too. As it was time to walk away, I did not want to leave you to go into the cold ground in that simple box. Even though you are no longer in there and it's just the shell of you, I didn't want you to be alone. This is what bothered me most, but I guess it's something we all have to do at some point. Go on ahead alone.
The service that followed for you in the nearby chapel was really lovely. Poeple shared stories about you and I am so happy to learn new things about you from others who loved you. Christopher stood up and said a few words and mentioned something I had forgotten, that when we were very little and you would visit during your college breaks, we would sneak into your room at the crack of dawn and wake you by jumping into your bed. Such a fun memory! I was glad he mentioned it.
Kim spoke about your spirituality and that was so nice to learn about too. I had no idea how spiritual you were. How funny that I never knew. I hope it gave you some peace towards the end of your life.
About a week ago I had dinner with my friend Lauren and she remembered you fondly. She said something really nice, something that resonated with everyone today, that when you asked her how she was doing, you were genuinely interested to know the answer. That was always true! That is a skill I am still trying to perfect. Listening. Really listening. I know that I will think of you as I try to learn to be better at this in my life.
Writing these entries in the form of a letter to you helps me. I can cry a lot and get it out and think of you. So thanks for helping me. Yet again.
Love
Cydney
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