At Least There's Sun in the Sky

Today I am trying to remind myself of things I should be grateful for. Functioning legs, for example. There's a man on my street who I suspect suffers from combat-related PTSD and often screams at the top of his lungs while rolling up and down the street, without legs or functioning arms. So, really, I have little to bitch about, right?

I'm one of those girls about whom everyone always said, "They'll be knocking down the door for you when you grow-up" When I was younger, I didn't see it. And although I know I'd make a good wife and good mother, I can no longer fathom it. I felt a bit hopeless when thinking about this before my relationship with my most recent beau, and now I am feeling it again...after the relationship has ended.

I've never understood those people who can go from one relationship to the other. Like people are books to read and once you're done, to go to the next one. Rebounding helps some people feel better, and I guess I understand that. But not me. I think that's why so much time passes between relationships for me. I just miss the person and breathe in and out and keep going and try to be sullen a little less every day for the sake of those around me.

I never understood why some people feel it's easier on the person who ends the relationship. I mean, I guess it is for some, but I don't bother investing time to get to know someone unless I know I could connect with them. I don't bother unless I know they are important to me and will become more important to me with time.

I'm torn about this because it results in meaningful relationships, but then I also know it's that much more difficult when it doesn't work out. It's something I've struggled with my whole life - getting attached to people. It must just be part of who I am, because no matter how slow I try to take things in an effort to protect myself, I am still profoundly effected. I'm marked by their absence. This time is no different.

It's like Celine said in "Before Sunset" (who I feel I can relate to quite a bit in my thinking), she talks about how every relationship, when it ends, she never really fully recovers. That she never understood why people could just move-on like (snap!) that. She thinks of the little things, like the color of their eyes, and she misses those little details.

I'm certainly not suicidal or anything like that, so please don't misunderstand me, but for the most part, I wonder what the point is. I mean, I take pretty pictures of someones baby and document the wedding for another. I make some people laugh and I'm a good friend and daughter and sister.

But really, for the most part, what I really I feel is What's the point? If I cannot enjoy my life with someone, aside from entertaining friends and family from time to time, I feel like I am just taking up space, crossing my fingers that life will be more fulfilling someday.

I promise the next one will be more cheery.