No Author, Apparently

My cousin is currently taking on cancer at Beth Isreal hospital. I have been sending her and her partner a quote a day in support and so now I'm all about quotes apparently. Including this one which didn't have an author listed.

“Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about.”

Shame on You, Jesse

The thing is, when we leave this place it's not the crap we leave behind that will be remembered, it's who we were as a person. How we treated others. How we lived our lives. I get that people are human. I get that and I recognize that I might have high standards. But still, why is it so difficult to live a life of integrity and respect the people you care about? (And why is it so hard to keep it in your pants?)
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Rain Rain Go Away

This rain is killin' me. Such miserable stuff.

I went on a field trip to Barnes and Nobles this afternoon just to get out of the house. I read some of my book ('Straight Man', which is supposed to be funny but I'm not really laughing all that much yet. There's still time, I guess.) and did some writing. My Dad asked me recently if I still write a journal. I used to write much more, putting more stories in there, but now this blog is for the stories (much like the really awesome one I'm telling right now? I know, you want to tell all your friends about it, don't you!). My journal comes out when I need to empty myself of whatever's bothering me.

Although this hasn't always been true, I seem now to only write when I'm upset or irked. As a result I'll go months without opening it and then suddenly forty pages are full. I end up with pages and pages of excessive and repetitive ruminating and analyzing over things I can't do anything about.

I'm confident it will make for some really annoying reading some day. But today, for me, it's cathartic. At least for a while. The ink comes out and takes the weight with it. Until twenty five minutes pass and I have to vomit something else out of my brain. It's like I'm a Bulimic thinker.

Tonight will entail getting-up at certain intervals to turn the sump-pump in the basement on, or off, depending on what shift I get. I'm a bit sketched out about going down there in the middle of the night. If you don't hear from me in a few days, come looking.

Tom Krause

“If you only do what you know you can do- you never do very much.”

Said Better

I don't like the quote from the previous entry anymore. It bugs me.

I like this one though, also Dolly Parton's, “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.”

Well Said

“The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.”
- Dolly Parton

Dead Bird

I woke to early this morning. My mind started going and since I'm nursing yet another cold (my fourth this season?), I coudln't fall back asleep.

I joined Dad downstairs with my tea and chocolate chip muffin, and we watched the tail end (no pun intended) of "Winged Migration". There was a sea of penguins and up walks this preying bird of some kind. He goes after one of the baby penguins and the adult penguins, it's parents included, just stand there and watch. They squawk a bit and flap their wings a little, but really, they do nothing. The baby gets eaten.

It was not a nice start to the day.

Not Quite but Still Cute

I met with an acquaintance from high school while she had a little visit with her 16month old son down at our town's playground last week. Connor toddled over to some birds, pointing. "What does the bird say, Connor?" his mom asked him.
"Qua qua!" he answered.
"Right! 'Quack, quack!" she said, not worrying herself with the specifics of which kind of bird says 'Quack quack!'.
A bit later, he spotted some small dogs and b-lined it for them.
"Oh, Connor, what does the doggie say?" mom quizzed him.
"Qua qua!"

Barf

Last week, my brother and sister in law came to the house to celebrate her birthday and my Dad's birthday over dinner. They brought along their dog, Lucy, so it was quite a pupfest with all the four legged creatures wandering around, sniffing at the low coffee table, and wrestling beneath out feet and chairs.

We managed to keep the dogs corralled together for the evening, but at the end of the meal, Oliver walked into the dining room and threw-up a nice pile of mystery something-or-other on the rug in the butler's pantry, in plain view of all to see. I looked at it, trying to identify the contents without making a scene right next to the dinner table. It was all white and looked like chunks of potato. Weird. I cleaned it up and we went on with out evening.

After my brother and sister in law left with their pooch, Dad and I were cleaning up when we got to the living room. All of the cheese that remained on the coffee table after appetizers was now gone. Ah-ha! The sound of the living room doors shutting which I took note of earlier in the dinner, was in fact, the sound of the doors being opened (for whatever reason). Oliver had hoovered-up a good sized chunk of brie, Gouda and Cheddar. And then redelivered it to the dining room. How thoughtful.

From my BUST magazine

"(25 years from now) I want Oprah, by now a very old lady, to be interviewing men about how they combine career and family" -Gloria Steinam in Ms.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I made my way downstairs to the studio where my parents were watching the end of the movie "In Her Shoes". I was less than thrilled to walk in on a wedding scene, but I confess, I'd never heard this poem before and I found it lovely and moving. (The wedding scene could go f*@k itself, but the poem was great.)

I Carry Your Heart With Me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- EE Cummings

At Least There's Sun in the Sky

Today I am trying to remind myself of things I should be grateful for. Functioning legs, for example. There's a man on my street who I suspect suffers from combat-related PTSD and often screams at the top of his lungs while rolling up and down the street, without legs or functioning arms. So, really, I have little to bitch about, right?

I'm one of those girls about whom everyone always said, "They'll be knocking down the door for you when you grow-up" When I was younger, I didn't see it. And although I know I'd make a good wife and good mother, I can no longer fathom it. I felt a bit hopeless when thinking about this before my relationship with my most recent beau, and now I am feeling it again...after the relationship has ended.

I've never understood those people who can go from one relationship to the other. Like people are books to read and once you're done, to go to the next one. Rebounding helps some people feel better, and I guess I understand that. But not me. I think that's why so much time passes between relationships for me. I just miss the person and breathe in and out and keep going and try to be sullen a little less every day for the sake of those around me.

I never understood why some people feel it's easier on the person who ends the relationship. I mean, I guess it is for some, but I don't bother investing time to get to know someone unless I know I could connect with them. I don't bother unless I know they are important to me and will become more important to me with time.

I'm torn about this because it results in meaningful relationships, but then I also know it's that much more difficult when it doesn't work out. It's something I've struggled with my whole life - getting attached to people. It must just be part of who I am, because no matter how slow I try to take things in an effort to protect myself, I am still profoundly effected. I'm marked by their absence. This time is no different.

It's like Celine said in "Before Sunset" (who I feel I can relate to quite a bit in my thinking), she talks about how every relationship, when it ends, she never really fully recovers. That she never understood why people could just move-on like (snap!) that. She thinks of the little things, like the color of their eyes, and she misses those little details.

I'm certainly not suicidal or anything like that, so please don't misunderstand me, but for the most part, I wonder what the point is. I mean, I take pretty pictures of someones baby and document the wedding for another. I make some people laugh and I'm a good friend and daughter and sister.

But really, for the most part, what I really I feel is What's the point? If I cannot enjoy my life with someone, aside from entertaining friends and family from time to time, I feel like I am just taking up space, crossing my fingers that life will be more fulfilling someday.

I promise the next one will be more cheery.

Puppy Fun

Courtesy of my sister-in-law, Jodi...

Yay! Scooter!

This ad makes my parents and I laugh every time we see it. In fact, talking about the ad over breakfast last week end made us laugh...

Sleepy

I'm not a cat fan but this is cute...