Clearly..

Clearly I'm busy if I have been even unable to replace my masthead. Since, I'm guessing, I have maybe three readers, I guess I feel it's OK to slack off.
Work has kept me busy for sure. I just got a call today from someone getting married in a week and a half. Yup, you read that right. Now in their defense, she contacted me a while back, but then she kind of disappeared.

I went through a mess deal with my website last week. I changed companies and there was some confusion about who should be making it possible for the site to go live - the old company? The new company? The domain host? Meanwhile, I didn't have any idea what they were talking about in their tech-babble, so when they would stick me on the other parent to get help, I'd have to take notes to convey the technological babble to the next guy. My business email was linked to the site too, so I didn't get any business emails for six days and anyone who tried to reach me that way...well didn't.

I was hoping to teach some photo classes this season/term, but I'm not so sure it's going to happen. I went to my first class yesterday, and there were three people. One of whom was supposed to be in beginners but ended-up trying intermediate because the beginners had so few people they had to can it. I got about five minutes into my talking about Manual photography when she said she was totally overwhelmed already and wasn't going to stay. So, here I'm left with two very interested students, trying to figure out what level of photo knowledge I should be getting into. Do I teach them Manual like I planned? Do I teach them how to better use heir Auto buttons? BY the end of the class, are rather, three-person summit, I felt like I was a crappy teacher. I think I confused myself.

It didn't help the likelihood of class attendance that the photo courses were listed under "recreation". Huh? To me, recreation is volleyball, or bowling. Photo should have been int he creatives section. But, it wasn't.

I'm amazed at how busy my business has been keeping me. From shooting architectural stuff, to weddings, to dealing with tax stuff and oh, did I mention Health insurance? That's always fun.

Here's something that is fun though. She's not a sore shoulder, or a date gone wrong. She's not a dog who won't stop barking at every little thing, or expensive health insurance.

She's Amelia! My close friend Maureen's little one. And she's great!

Progress?

I am spent. I am exhausted. I am using two words to say the same thing. My eyes have mild pain behind them after so much staring at my computer.

I woke this morning at 2:30. WTF? 2:30? Wide awake, wondering, suddenly, why I have not gotten a call from my old high school about any substitute teaching. Then I remember that I was given paperwork to bring back with me on the day of my first sub job. It occurs to me that perhaps I was misinformed. Maybe I have to bring that paperwork back, completed, in order to get on the sub list?

Now I am up and out of bed, looking for the paperwork.

Next thing I know, I am at my computer, contacting a local school who's adult education curriculum did not include photography. Did they want me to teach it? I ask in my proposal to them.

I manage to fall asleep after about an hour and a half of wandering the computer and tossing in my bed, which really consists of me laying on my stomach, then switching to my right side because I'm still to much of a wimp to attempt to sleep on my left side, even though the doctor told my my shoulder should be OK with it.

I wake later in the morning with a few emails. The school that is lacking in adult ed photography has emailed me back to tell me they already have photo teachers. Then why are you not teaching photo? I have a rate request from a possible wedding client, a very inarticulate email from a guy looking for a 'cheap photographer' to do some pictures for some health organization. I ask him to elaborate. What is it he's looking for? Do you have a website? He does, he emails me, and send me the link to a site which has something to do with discount cards and has no mention of health care workers at all. I decide to just end the annoying game of email tennis and send him my rates. I am relieved when I stop hearing from him.

Then I went for a walk in the freezing rain because I just need to do that. Period.

I returned, soggy, with an idea on how to tweak my future photo classes, and I sent an email out to my first photo class, my guinea pigs, to get their thoughts on my idea. They were very receptive.

Then, I got an email from a guy looking for a photo lesson. I am meeting him tomorrow.

I was doing some work for Dad, organizing his office by labelling some manuals and files when Dad and I got to talking about selling prints. "Can you link on your website to a place where people can buy prints?" Great, Now, I had a bee in my bonnet about that and spend a crazy amount of time figuring out how I would do that if I wanted to do it. I haven't figured it out yet.

I do have to say that I feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel a spark of "Maybe I can make a living doing this!" And then I do the math and realize there's no way. What I need to do is find some kind of part-time job. But, I'm afraid. I don't want to do some receptionist job because Excel scares me. It just does. I don't want to go work at some ice cream shop because I'll just shove my face in the tubs when no one's looking. Very unprofessional. Other jobs I think of are unimaginable to me because my shoulder still isn't ship-shape. Now there was something I wasn't expecting - that this shoulder thing would screw things up as much as they have. Hello, I'm a nuisance. Have we met?

At least I'm 33 on Thursday. Yeehaw.

Last Day

I can't really describe this feeling with any other words than sad and strange. I left The Post at about 4 today. All of us who have taken the buy out were to leave by 5, but I couldn't stay any more. I hauled all my camera gear to the studio to log all of it. M trunk has not been so clear in six years. I don't really care for it much, but maybe the lack of weight will help with gas efficiency?
I did have an assignment this morning to photograph a cop who started a camera surveillance program in the city. It seemed fitting considering my jetta was broken into my first night in West Palm Beach!
Gathering all my things at my desk was quite a project too. My friends were quick to respond to my question of "Who wants my lamp and who wants my twinkle lights?". That was nice. The photo department is often refered to as "the lounge" because it's always so dark and each desk is lit only by whatever light each shooter has provided for themselves. I had a small lamp and a string of lights.
All week, people have been asking me how I'm feeling about things and I have not been able to really answer in a succinct way. I have felt, for the most part, together considering the situation. That all ended with my first goodbye hug with one of my coworkers. Then, it was a struggle to not make a complete blubbering ass out of myself. I managed OK.

Then, I got home and cried lots. The dog, who was sitting at my feel for a bit got up and went to the other room. Apparently my weeping offends him.

I also got a letter today from the publisher. It was a letter for subscribers and somehow, the timing was hilarious; paraphrasing, it basically said that the exceptional reporting at the paper, which is going to be smaller by the way, comes at a cost and, sorry, but your rate will go up at the end of August and have a nice day!

Just Keep Compartmentalizing, That's All I'm Thinkin'

There was something about flipping the calendar today; it's August. The 12th of the month is my last day at my paper. I have seven more work days left. At 5:01 on Tuesday August 12, I will no longer be an employee of the Palm Beach Post.

I'd be lying if I said I don't feel panic coming on. Not to mention strong fear of the impending goodbyes.

It's so strange photographing people in this frame of mind. I can't tell them to contact me if they don't manage to get a copy of the paper their story will be in because I will not be contactable by the time their story runs.
Hanging out with a few of the guys after work today, BI started talking about how sad it was that his friends were leaving and the family was being broken up. I found that interesting because no one had used those words and I think people think them. That we are a family. A large dysfunctional one, but a family just the same. He was pissed off about the latest email from "the man" also, which said that no gear of any kind will be sold. We must hand back everything.

I'm really upset about this too and I was relieved to hear how absurd BI thought it was. I wondered if maybe I was being selfish, but really, the company is just doing nothing to help us out, and it will be no better when lay offs continue later in the summer.

We know you're losing your job and it would be helpful for you to get a good deal on some quality laptops, cameras, etc., but we just don't feel like throwing you a bone (even though there will be no employees to even use the damn stuff). Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out! Buh-bye now!

I am stressed, as many are, about my finances. We talked about camera gear and what to do about it; buy a slightly lower end one then a better one later? Buy an OK camera but get really good glass (lenses) for it? Spend a crap-load on good stuff and get two jobs to pay for them? It's just a mess.

I wonder to myself if I should even buy myself gear. Maybe my next job, even though I have no fucking clue what it will be, won't even involve shooting at all. It's such a fleeting thought, the idea of not having any camera gear. I love what I do and I can't fathom not having a good camera near me when I need one. Or when I don't need one.

I'm good at it. I need to keep being good at it.

Freakish Bike and More

I received an email today. My buy out, and all of my coworkers who offered to take one, has been accepted. The next stage is to fill out the paperwork to confirm that I am taking the buy out. When I came into the office today, I was told my editor was looking for me, with the yellow finalization paperwork in his hand. I have until the 11th of August to sign it really, so I must say, I felt the door was being a bit smacked into my back on the way out.

Still, I got an estimate from Allied moving company. As it turns out, the cost of a UHaul (con hassle and trolling the car) really comes out to be the same price.

Today felt final though. People are now VERY openingly talking about things. Why didn't this person take the buy out? What about the sports department? I heard very few took it. What will they do with all the people in sports? Did you hear - there are only three reporters left in Npost when this is all done! Etc.

One coworker friend came to me and asked me when I was going. Talking about it was odd and surreal. And upsetting. I didn't like it. I far prefer organizing my to-do list than talking about reality.

Tonight, I was at the office late and I was chatting with my pod-mate, Lannis. Just about work and wondering what they'll do about this and that. About family and the items I'm trying to sell. It struck me how much I will miss my little chats with Lannis and my other pod- mates.

A friend told me about a dream he had. We were going for a bike ride. I had given him a motorcycle which would only drive straight. I took off on my bike, and he couldn't get the motorcycle started. "There she goes" he thought to himself and told me, "That's the first thing I thought of when I woke up - 'There she goes' "

I promised him I wouldn't give him a crappy, freakish bike that wouldn't turn (or any bike for that matter). and he told me, "Just don't turn back."